Several times, in the last 6 months of my weight loss journey, I have been told that “marriage looks good on me.” I look happier, have more energy and am taking better care of myself. Up until this morning, that comment has made me cringe. Why? Because I am full of pride and want people to recognize that I look good on me! It has been just over a year now since I started watching my nutrition and exercising- all this change didn’t happen in just 6 months! It has been a year of hard work! I want credit for all the sweat and tears that has gone into it, but it felt like, from the comments, my being married just magically made this happen. I have been resenting that. Until now.
This morning on the drive to work,
those words kept playing over and over in my head and, before I knew it, I was
crying (which happens WAY too easily these days!). This time, however, I wasn’t crying because my
pride was wounded, but because I was overwhelmed by the grace of how good
marriage does look on me. Let me
explain. Before I had gained all that weight, I was a tiny yet VERY unhealthy
girl. I ate anything I wanted, drank excessive amounts of alcohol, smoked a
pack of cigarettes a day and misplaced my value in my job and affection from
guys. I was a total wreck. I was blessed enough to be brought into a small female
bible study in college, but was so deep into myself, that there was no room for
God in my life. I recognized God, sure, but not His sovereignty in my life.
Fast forward a few years to when I was in
cosmetology school. My doctor finally diagnosed me with anxiety and put me on
some INTENSE medication to relieve the symptoms. At this time, I had many of
the same bad habits and would go through some of the deepest hurts I have ever
experienced which only pushed me deeper into myself and resulted in many
regrets. It’s no wonder, then, that by the end of that year, I had gained 70
lbs and quit working in the “real world” to hide myself from people. This was
the lowest point of my life. And it stayed low for a while. Fast forward again.
Many of you have heard this part of the story: after being a full time nanny for a
year, Teresa, the mother I worked for, finally convinced me to start exercising
with her. Usually when I tell this story, I am overwhelmed by the grace God had
on me by using my “hiding place” to save me from where I was headed, but that
was only the beginning of the journey. I was still emotionally eating, smoking, drinking and misplacing my value. Realizing
that I tend to repeat my mistakes, I called my parents and asked if I could
move home with them. They didn’t ask any questions or even hesitate to bring me
home. I also decided it was time to get back to working in a more public
setting again. Less than a month later, I met Jonas. Still broken, still
wrecked and heavily guarded I knew I wasn’t ready to have him in my life, but
the Lord saw otherwise. Jonas made me
laugh, which was very much needed. He distracted me which prevented me from
becoming consumed by work. He was a friend so that I had someone to hang out
with and talk to. He supported the decisions I
had made in order to bring healing. He was respectful and honest and
told me upfront what his intentions were with me. He was patient and waited
until I was ready to begin a relationship. He was trustworthy and has not
wavered since that first time we met.
Seriously, what a catch!
Although I like to believe that I had
started the road to health before him, it’s simply just not true! I had a
concept of what I wanted, but lacked the discipline and drive to make it
happen. But the Lord has been so
gracious and has shown me His character through Jonas. In my brokenness, Jonas sees me and loves me.
He consistently pursued(pursues) me and does
not abandon me. He loves me unconditionally, even when I throw tantrums or am
hurtful to him. He is patient with me when it takes me a while to come around.
He is kind to me and nurtures me. He hurts over my past but does not hold it to
my account. He leads me well and has high ambitions for me. It blows my mind
that God blessed me with a man whose
love is a reflection of His own before I
was even “marriage material.” It seems completely backwards to what I grew up
believing, but here it is. Yet, as a result of God’s mercy and Jonas’ role in my
life, I am healing at an exponential rate- I no longer smoke, I rarely have a
drink, I am aware of what I eat, I exercise and my value is no longer found in
what I do or how people feel about me. My life has completely transformed, not
only externally, but internally as well. This is the realization that brought
me to tears and I am so thankful that marriage looks good on me!
